When I started this project a year ago, I decided to share my story first. The first episode released featured myself and John Lee Dumas. John interviewed me on my suicide attempt and the suicide ideation I experienced throughout life.
I think its time for me to be brutally honest with myself and my followers.
I still contemplate suicide.
It has been several years since I stepped to the ledge. I’m confident when I say I currently do not feel the desire to kill myself. I do think about it, though.
I have this goal in life. The goal is to live a free, mobile, comfortable lifestyle. I want to be loved and I want to love. I don’t need all of the money, just enough of it. I want to influence others and have an impact on the world.
When I start to think about the present and consider the trajectory it has into the future, I begin to wonder if I’m on the right path to achieve my goal. As most of you know, I currently live a mobile lifestyle. I do not have my own place. I sublet to get myself by so I can move freely from place to place as I’d like. I designed this life.
In one year, I will graduate from American University. At that time, I’ll need to take my living situation more seriously. My lifestyle is fun and manageable for the moment, but it cannot sustain itself for decades. I’m not built for traditional employment. After five years in the Marine Corps, I’m done with having others control my time. Attending class is hard enough for me. What will happen to my emotional state when I’m in a professional circumstance that no longer keeps me happy?
When I contemplate suicide, it is not a desire to kill myself right now. It is a fear that, in the future, I will consider it an option. I’m afraid I’ll combine the personal guilt I already hide with the regret of not living the life I know I should. I’m afraid that equation will lead to my death. I’m afraid I’ll panic and make a drastic decision or I’ll adopt a destructive lifestyle and slowly kill myself that way.
Attempting suicide once in my life has given me the ability to recognize these feelings within myself. I know why I’m having these thoughts and I know the realities of them.
So what do I do? I just got out of the shower and convinced myself that these thoughts are serious and need to be dealt with. What’s the first step?
Step 1: Tell someone
I need to tell someone this is happening. How do you do that without scaring them? You don’t. It’s nearly impossible to alert someone of suicidal thoughts without concerning them.
They may not panic, but your confidant will definitely have you on their mind after the conversation. That’s OK, though. That’s what is supposed to happen.
I decided to write this post. I decided this was going to be one of my steps to tell someone. I’ve been strong for a while now, and I just want to be weak for a minute. I want to admit I’m vulnerable to weakness and these depressive emotional states.
I also told my best friend. She deserved to know. She has been the cornerstone of my support system for 18 months, and she should know before anyone else.
Step 2: Take Control (the best I can)
I know I’m contemplating suicide and I fear it may be an option in the future. I’ve told someone. Now, how do I prevent my own suicide?
I take control.I can’t control life, but I can definitely influence it. I can make decisions that are in my best interest. My fear is not being in the place I want to be next year. So, I’m going to focus on that result. The decisions I make now will be to put me in the best place in 2016.
Life satisfaction isn’t easy. It is a constant uphill battle. I’m hopeful that my wisdom, aspirations, support system, and creative outlets can aid me to achieving the life that I want while still maintaining my emotional, mental, and physical health.